what if the time stops ticking at 12:51 PM
after i blogged last night. i told my brother i dint wanna use anymore. i walked out of the room. closed his door. and the tears welled up straight away. this time, i couldn't hold it back any longer. i closed my doors, turned on the aircon and pulled the blanket over me. i wept. and i wept. i think it's pathetic how i always talk to my ceiling when i'm upset. it sounds downright dumb. but. i cant find anybody to talk to. i start thinking about things. my thoughts started to run wild. i'm envious. i'm..jealous. people. they have a buddy. a pal. a friend. a partner. me? solo. alone. isolated. friendless. maybe in front of people, i laugh and poke fun of others, tell lame and cold jokes, disturb people, smile. i think nobody can really tell how upset i am. but that's alright. in class. no, there's nobody i can relate to. anna and miaohui have each other. sheri, she's here and there. the other people, forget it. in school, even worse. at home, sometimes i want to walk up to my mom and tell her i feel awful. but sometimes i feel neglected. ah, me and my stupid thoughts. my friends. they think it's stupid how i have to blog everyday. how i cannot part with my computer. but i tell them the computer, it's my life. my only companion. the one i always pour my woes out to. my close friends have all left me. in primary school. there was rahila. there was vannessa. after primary, everything ended there. there was still anonymous then. then in secondary school. first it was weezhen, things didn't work out. huimin, she has her own grp of friends now. but, i always thought, it's alright. cos there STLL is anonymous. is she still there. i dont know. i dont know whether she reads my blog or smth. i dont know. its always the people close to my heart that has the most authority to break it. who can i reach out to. i dont understand anything anymore. i dont even understand myself. i want to shut myself out from this world. my dad will say, why do you want to indulge in self pity? my mom will say, you always think your life sucks, but compare yourself with others and you'll know how lucky you are. others view my family as a happy family. i think in my family i'm the the jigsaw piece that doesn't fit in.
last night. two people msged me. asking me how i was, yada-yada. maybe it isn't that bad afterall. maybe. but i was hoping it was anonymous who msged me instead. i missed how she'd send long msges with her words of wisdom. i missed her positive attitude. i miss how she'd always view things optimistically. a friend of mine said, its not wrong to think she's changed. cos everybody changes. she's right. but. why do people always change for the worse. then she said maybe anonymous just isn't in a good mood today. maybe. but i have only myself to blame. just bcos of a stupid stupid game. those that scare the shit out of people. other people wud laugh their ass off, come back 'scolding' me, playing. but anonymous was the only one who went like what the fuck. and she completely ignored me. and then typed a long msg. and continued ignoring me. i want to yell at myself for sending her that link. she said she dont blame me. blah blah. but. friend, i blame myself. i want you to know you're still my best friend, thou i've never told you before. i want you to know i'm always here for you, busy or not. i want you to know my ears are wide open for listening, my eyes are wide open. i want to go back in time. i want it to stay that way.
i know you're bored, listening to me rant and rant. reading this piece of junk. i know i'm the kind who thinks too much. i know.
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red and swollen;
my eyes hurt from all the crying.
